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The Real Best of Sioux Falls

In the two years or so that I have graced this chair in the luxurious KRRO studio, I have prematurely ended the careers of politicians, tv and radio personalities, clems, bimbos, cops, robbers, musicians, gadgets, trends, activities, and a gigantic business or two.

But there’s a certain humongous beast that I have shied away from. It’s a brute that at times believes it’s own hype - that it is the center of the Hudsonland universe. They believe that they shape the opinions and actions of everybody in a hundred mile radius.

To be honest, I’ve generally defended this organization. While acknowledging it’s shortcomings, I’ve never had an especially strong opinion either for or against them. And I must say, it’s probably because I’m a bit afraid of the power they do have in this city.

I can’t hold back anymore. I must give this company, and everybody involved with this company, a big size 12 boot to their fat, mostly white asses.

Of course, I’m talking about our daily paper, the Argus Leader. I know what you’re thinking – I’m joining the haters that call in to talk radio stations because of some perceived bias. No, I don’t play that game. I think anybody can find any bias they want, and these clowns who complain that this story is buried on page three or that headline proves they like or don’t like certain politicians is ridiculous. If there is a bias in this paper, it’s a tendency to celebrate mediocrity – the more boring the artist, musician or athlete, the more words are devoted to their every move.

And I’m not going to single out individual reporters. There are many people in that building that I actually admire, and there are some that would be better served in other publications. There are quite a few, however, that believe their own hype. A great writer is a person who accepts, or even encourages, criticism. If you see them on the street, you can tell them they’re full of crap and they’ll chuckle. Others, however, are famous for throwing a fit if you don’t kiss the ground they walk on. Are you listening, Ms. Sanderson?

There are so many aspects of this paper that I could spend some tine with. Their hard-hitting article yesterday on how to create the biggest splash in the pool is a great example. Or those novel-length profiles of minor league athletes that seem to be the same article with different names inserted into the blanks reserved for high school and college coach, mother, father, baby-mama, and the best friend who made the show. And let’s not forget about the crimes against journalism named CityStyle and whatever the health one is named.

I can forgive the Argus for these sins, just as I sort of forgive them for probably having the largest percentage of wire stories per page in the country…or the constant reprinting of USA Today stories that most people had already read a week before.

There’s one sin that I can’t, and will never forgive, though. A sin that has made the paper the laughing stock of this town since it was printed on Sunday, June 20. Of course, I’m talking about the Best of Sioux Falls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know they’re just putting to paper what the people have spoken. BS. They’re the ones that shaped this article – they put together the categories and wrote those witty explanations.

Let’s talk about those categories for a second. Does anybody besides George Michael need to know where one can find the cleanest public restrooms? Is there a reason to have multiple categories that would obviously give close to the exact same response? If Minerva’s is going to win best restaurant, doesn’t it make sense they’d do well in the Best Place to Take a Date, Best Service, and Best Place For Old People to Take a Date? Wouldn’t the same nightspots win Best Place to Meet Singles, Best Place to Be Seen, and Best Dance Floor? Wouldn’t some of these same places also win the beer and wine categories?

One more major complaint – it’s really not fair to have categories where national chains with multiple locations compete with locally-owned shops? If Starbucks is literally going to end up on every street corner, their "win" is pretty hollow. I’m not saying this because I’m a Black Sheep Coffee fan; I would be just as happy if any of the other indie shops took the prize.

There are so many other crimes in this overhyped article that has as much meaning as a Keloland webpoll. There’s the milquetoast boredom of Ben and Patty upsetting my friends Cade and Jen in the DJ category; there’s the overhyped but dreadfully awful band that’s only local when it’s convenient beating two artists who haven’t played live in over a year. There’s the meaningless Best Local Coach category, and does anybody really believe that Phil Schreck and Shawn Cable tied in the meteorologist category? I demand a recount!

Let’s face it – this results of this travesty mean absolutely nothing. The paper could have approached this topic in a couple of different ways that would have been much more informative. They could have done a scientific survey, calling a statistical sample of residents and reporting the results not as the Best of Sioux Falls but the Most Popular of our city. Or they could have gathered together a number of so-called experts – longtime residents, well-known hipsters, business leaders, and even a few of their own reporters to bash out a more opinionated piece. They could have even used their silly little write-in ballot to augment these results. That’s how most quality publications handle this subject, including the annual special edition of Minneapolis’ City Pages.

To right this major wrong, I decided to put together my own list. I gathered together all of Hudsonland, from local provocateurs to message board lurkers and even an employee or two. Instead of simply dropping the names of the best known people and establishments, this list should be adopted by the Department of Tourism as the official guide of Hudsonland…I mean Sioux Falls.

Before I begin, I would like to thank a few of the contributors. Traci Hohm, Dave Scarbrough, Scott Ehrisman, Pat Hagan, and Dawn Hudson are just a few of the people who provided invaluable information and inspiration. And a special thanks to the fine folks at the Hudsonland capitol building, aka Black Sheep Coffee for putting up with my cronies while we put this manifesto together. Although there were some heated debates between the left and right…sides of the counter…we all came together in a bipartisan spirit to do what was best for the fine people of Hudsonland.



Food:

Since I already mentioned Black Sheep Coffee, I might as well get their accolades out of the way. Of course, they won for best coffee shop, but I must also give nods to Corey Gerlach, aka DJ Absolute, for Best Barista, and the beautiful and talented Lisa again wins for best barista/hair dresser.

Rounding out the coffee segment, Starbucks actually does receive an award today – for Best Corporate Takeover of Sioux Falls. Really, I don’t think they’ll stop until there’s one of their awful shops on every single corner.

Best Mexican Restaurant – Puerto Vallarta on East 10th Street.

Best Enquilada’s – Mama Lada’s on 11th Street.

Best Chinese/Vietnamese Restaurant – Sai Gon Panda.

Best Chinese Delivery – Kow Loon on 26th and Sycamore.

Best Japanese Restaurant – Sushi Masa, although one contributor noted it should win as Best Sushi for Beginner’s.

Best Ethiopian Restaurant – Lalibela on West 11th.

Best Italian Restaurant – Spezia’s. Many also singled them out for Best Pizza.

Best Pizza Delivery – Tommacelli’s, although many also noted Godfather’s and Papa John’s.

Best Seafood Restaurant – Surf’s Up.

Best Soup – Touch of Europe.

Best Buffet – HuHot Mongolian Grill, although there’s something to be said for the people watching at Coyote Canyon.

Best Bar Food – Green Mill.

Best Greasy Grub – Granite City and Champps.

Best Late Night Greasy Grub – Fryin’ Pan.

Best Restaurant to Get Your Order Screwed Up – Pizza Hut.

Best Restaurant to Spend Your Last Day on Earth – Boomer’s. It would have won the greasy grub category if it wasn’t for the extended wait to order, to get your food, and also for the check. As one of my Catholic friends said to me last night, "I ordered a steak on Thursday but it was Lent when it finally showed up".

Best Restaurant Most People Don’t Know About – Surf’s Up and Carolina’s was the most mentioned.

Best Chain Restaurant – The Outback.

Best High Class Restaurant – Minerva’s. There’s few complaints about any of the classier joints in town, but Minerva’s gets the nod for consistency, menu, and staff.

Best Sort-of Fast Food - Nick’s Gyro’s and Qdoba.

Best Fast Food – Taco Bell, of course.

Best Restaurant to Showcase Your White Trash Credentials – KFC, by collecting all four Dale Jr. chicken buckets.



Drink:

Best Wine and Cheese – Food & Fermentations at 212 S. Phillips.

Best Sports Bar – Buffalo Wild Wings. As one friend noted, it’s a great place to hang with the guys, look at chicks, watch a game, eat cheap wings, and if you time it right, you can walk across the street after the 6th inning and catch the tail end of the Canaries game.

Best Blue Collar Bar – The Brass Rail and Sidewinders, both on North Cliff Avenue.

Best Bars Most People Don’t Know About – Alpine Inn 10th and Sneve, and Longshots on North Main.

Best Divorcee Bar – Sunbird Lounge.

Best "Pretty People" Bar – Nutty’s.

Best Cheap Drinks – Top Hat and Crow.

Best Live Music Club – Brickhouse; also the only live music club. Finally, a live music club run by somebody with a knowledge of many forms of music. Plus, they have Newcastle on tap.

Best Place to Meet Members of the Opposite Sex – Does anybody have an answer for that one?

Best Place For Golddiggers – Foley’s. After happy hour, it’s a pure sausage fest. Any girl with gold card fantasies should be able to find a would-be high roller.

Best Place to See Hot Indie Rock Chicks – Top Hat.

Best Place to See MTV Fashions – Nutty’s.

Best Place to See Out of Date Fashions – Gaslight.

Best Barful of Idiots – Acme.

Best Bar to Go Wading – Nitwits, especially after a good rain.

Best Places to Cheat – Poppadox and Crow. With those establishments right across the street from each other, it’s pretty easy to pop in and out. This pair of bars also grabbed nods for the Best Place to Get Hit By a Car and Best Family Night Out at the Bar. The younger set can head to Poppadox while the parents get blitzed at the Crow.

Best Bar To Find Your BabyDaddy – Sportsmen.

Best Bartender – Sandy at the Crow. While I will always have a place in my heart for the fine staff at the Top Hat, Sandy is the first recipient of the Frank Caito Memorial Trophy. For those that don’t frequent the Crow, Frank bartended at the Crow for years and years before dying of cancer a few months ago. Sandy has always been one of my favorite bartenders, but watching her handle the large bar by herself a few Sunday’s ago was truly entertaining. She kicked out a few drunks, broke up a fight, entertained each and every patron, and not once did we have to wait for a drink.

Best Artist/Bartender/Serial Newspaper Letter Writer – Scott Ehrisman.

Best Bartender/Local Rock Icon – Brian Lovro.

Best Nudie Bar – Scarlett’s; again, it’s the only one.

Best Place to Find Cheaters – Sunbird.



Retail:

Best Thrift Store - Salvation Army on North Cliff Avenue.

Best Slumming It Store For Rich People - TJ Maxx. You want to see a crazy scene. Watch these rich twits scramble for items on restock days.

Best Pawn Shop (Music) - Sunset Pawn on West 12th.

Best Pawn Shop (Other Items) - Exchange West.

Best Grocery Store - Hy Vee on 33rd and Minnesota.

Best Grocery Store For Interesting Characters - the ghetto Sunshine on 14th and 2nd.

Best Tattoo Shop - Vishnu Bunny on 26th and Cliff.

Best Bike Shop - Harlan’s Bike and Tour on 26th and Cliff.

Best Mechanic - Steve’s Auto Repair in Tea.

Best Store For Buying New Release Discs and Movies Under Cost - Best Buy.

Best Big Brother Operation - Best Buy’s new investigations of customers.

Best Indie Record Store - Ernie November on 41st and Willow.

Best Store to Buy Movies and Music You’re Too Embarrassed to Buy in a Real Store - Last Stop. No matter how shlocky the movie or how dated the music, that person behind you in line is likely to be purchasing even worse material.

Best Store to Cater to Fake Goths and Punks - Hot Topic, although they have a great selection of punk shirts for toddlers.

Best Department Store - Target.

Best Convenience Store - Taylor’s Pantry on 41st and Minnesota.

Best Liquor Store - Sid’s for the old school feel; the Hy Vee store on Minnesota a stocking system that makes sense.

Best Hip-Hop Store - Gear Up on West 11th Street. We actually researched this category. The owner may be the funniest businessman in Sioux Falls, although he currently does not stock any women’s clothes because, and I quote, “the women in this area like to eat.”

Best Clothing Store For Women - Express Limited in the Empire Mall.

Best Clothing Store For Men - Gap in the Empire Mall.

Best Old Lady Clothing Store - Anything on Phillips Avenue.

Best Lingerie Store - Expressions across from the Outback.

Best Used Book Store - The Book Shop on Phillips Avenue.

Best Used Book Store For Cheesy Romance Paperbacks - S&S Books on 18th and Minnesota.

Best Cigar Shop - Eastworld Smokeshop on 10th and Phillips.

Best Bank Babes - Wells Fargo Drive-up on 26th and Minnesota...all proud owners of Get Out of Town t-shirts.

Best Place to Buy Sex Toys Without Embarrassment - Old Ernie’s on West 12th Street.

Best Porn Video Store - Video Mania.

Best Porn Magazine Selection - Cover to Cover in the Empire Mall.



People Watching:

Best Place to Look at Hot Babes - Jazzfest.

Best Place to Look at Hot Young Adults - Target.

Best Place to See How Young Adults Spend a Day With Their Mother - Barnes and Noble.

Best Place to Look at MILFS - Kaladis on 26th and Minnesota, or any Hy-Vee.

Best Place to See People Who Shouldn’t Wear Revealing Clothing - Acme narrowly beat out Wal-Mart, Bucks, and the Sioux Empire Fair.

Best Place to See Drunks in Counseling Fall Off the Wagon - Sid’s.

Best Place to Encounter Beggars - Sid’s and the downtown area of the bike trails.

Best Spot on Bike Trails - that section between Cherry Rock Park, where you cross that wooden bridge, and Cliff Avenue.

Best Spot on Bike Trails to Encounter Interesting People - the downtown area; if you go biking in the morning you see all of the drunks from the previous evening.

Best Place to Encounter Small Town Hicks - Empire Mall.

Best Place to Laugh at NASCAR Fans - Wal-Mart, Coyote Canyon, and Sioux Empire Fair.

Best Street to Avoid Traffic - Phillips Avenue from 18th to 41st. Many begged me not to let out this secret, but the lack of traffic lights and traffic on this street makes it a great alternative to Minnesota Avenue.

Best Place to Get a Really Boss Photo of Yourself In Your Car - 10th and Minnesota.

Best Road to Avoid Cops - Minnesota Avenue near the airport, or Southeastern Drive.

Best Section of Interstate - the new entrances and exits near the Oaks Motel. For just a few seconds, one can pretend that they’re in a big city while navigating these somewhat confusing twists and turns.



Politics:

Best Politician – Carol Twedt. For a middle-aged woman, she’s hip, friendly, drives a cool car, and drinks good coffee.

Best City Council Member – Andy Howes. I may not always agree with him, but anybody in that position of power that listens to indie rock is okay in my book.

Best Unofficial City Council Meeting – Howes, along with Kenyon Gleason and Darrin Smith, spying on the Loopers last summer from Smith’s third floor window on 10th and Phillips.

Best Hiding Place for City Leaders to Secretly Plot How to Screw Us – the expansive, unused area behind Darrin Smith’s new cigar bar, Stogie’s. You know there has to be some plotting going on back there.

Best Actor – Dave Munson.

Best Candidate to Head Chamber of Commerce – Dave Munson. Why doesn’t he have that gig? While I think he’s useless as a mayor, there’s no doubt that he’s passionate about our city. This gig would put that passion to good use at ribbon cuttings.

Best White Collar Criminal – David Seykora. It’s one thing to embezzle money, but from the school district? They should have given this guy life.

Best Gig (If You Can Get It) – School board President. ,000 a year!?! I’ll do it for less than that.

Best Idea the City Will Inevitably Screw Up – Phillips to the Falls. It could be a cool, cool idea. But this state’s love of the tourism dollar will probably turn this into another tacky trap for out of state travelers.

Best Future Landlord of the Entire City – Architect Jeff Hazard. I’ve heard from reliable sources that he’s purchased a good portion of northern downtown over the years. If Phillips to the Fall works out, he’ll be our version of Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.

Best Artist Fleecing – Downtown Sculpture Walk. It looks great, and in theory it’s a great idea, but the artists not receive a penny in expenses.



Media:

Best Local News – KDLT…although that’s bound to change soon. More on that in other categories.

Best Local News Personality – KELO’s John Wilson. Too bad he’s stuck on that dreary morning show.

Best Newsbabe – KSFY’s Shannon Stevens. I may not be a fan of her new forced wacky image, but she still has the most beautiful eyes in all of local television.

Best TV Babe That Hates Me – I think we all know who that is.

Best Witness Protection Program – KDLT. If you have a job there, even your family will never find you.

Best Sinking Ship – KDLT. The story floating around town is that everybody either has quit or is in the process of leaving town. Like anybody would ever notice. And Bobbi Lower is now the news director. I guess the movie Anchorman is alive and well in Hudsonland.

Best Local Weather – I say Phil Schreck, but many of my colleagues begged me to give this to that weird Jarod guy on KDLT.

Best Terror Alerts – KELO’s Dirk Diggeler 3000 weather crew. Just like Bush’s administration, we always seem to be in the red or orange heightened danger areas. I guess that would make Shawn Cable the Donald Rumsfeld of KELO, and Jay Trobec would have to be Wolfowitz. And I guess I would be their Michael Moore.

Best Local Sports – None; they’re all homers for local minor league semi-pro teams, and they all only seem to have highlights from the first few minutes of any game. As for national sports, if they’re not from Minnesota then they’re not worthy of even a score.

Best Cliched Safety Tips – KELO. Do you know how to shovel without injuring your back? Or that wearing your seat belt and taking a few extra minutes may save your life?

Best Hairpiece – Mitch Krebs. We just want to remind everybody that he’s really bald.

Best Out of Synch Audio – Our local WB affiliate (Channel 14). Is this really that hard to fix?

Best Local Television Show – Caribou Show, although they have absolutely no competition outside of a couple of extremely lame video shows.

Best Local Commercial Pitchman – Uncle Bruce.

Best Used Car Commercial – Dan Nelson’s half hour infomercial, complete with testimonials. It’s helped me get to sleep on many long evenings.

Best Radio Show – Cade and Jen. Duh.

Best Cliché-driven Radio Show – The Canaries Show on Tuesday morning on WSN. If you were to take a drink every time Doc Edwards utters a tired old baseball phrase, you’d be drunk before the first commercial break.

Best Waste of Radio Frequency By a Quasi-Legal Station – Whatever they’re calling that travesty towards the left side of the dial. I’m a fan of pirate radio, if used to feature artists and genres not heard on commercial radio. That’s their purpose. Why in the world would one take all of the worst songs from all of the other stations and try to mash them together? It makes absolutely no sense, and it’s not much different than what Lee Axdahl has done for the past decade.

Best Newspaper Journalist – Dave Kranz. There’s no competition. Democrats think he kisses up to Republicans; Republicans think he’s Tom Daschle’s butt boy. Anybody who can get the ire of both sides of the political fence must be doing something right.

Best New Journalist – Monica LaBelle. I don’t know anything about this woman, but her review of the dreaded Clay Aiken concert had me almost spit out my coffee.

Best Scapegoat – Downloading. It’s bad enough that the music industry blames all of their ills on little kids playing on the computer. The issue has now replaced 9/11 as a scapegoat for local issues. In Ms. LaBelle’s article on Jazzfest head honcho Rob Joyce, he actually blames downloading for the lack of jazz acts on this year’s lineup. His claim is that people stealing music has led to jazz acts charging more for their bookings. Uh, no. Ok, jazz is not exactly the genre of choice for the majority of people using the internet for their music, and the overwhelming majority of jazz artists have never seen a cent of royalties even before the internet was invented.

Best Local Rock Band – Blinding Light.

Best Local Hip-Hop Band – Soulcrate.

Best Local Cover Band – Government Center, even if they were stupid enough to let a certain editorialist sing an Elvis Costello song a few weeks ago.

Best Place to See Pretentious People – Washington Pavilion, and we’re not just talking about the staff.

The final award just has to go to somebody who technically doesn’t live in Hudsonland. But like KELO’s fictitious little colony, the borders of Hudsonland are not exactly set in stone. I must present a special award as either Best Businessman, or Best Example of Somebody Living the American Dream, or Best Never Can Say Die Attitude, or whatever moniker you choose to Bob Rieger, the owner of Racehorse’s Gentlemen’s Club in Salem. Of course, it is now also a movie theater. Maybe I should get out of the music critic gig and become a movie critic. Maybe Rieger will give me a press pass. Yes, I’ve seen the future of Hudsonland and it’s in Salem.